Back in the box...again
I went to a ballet class today. Kind of random...I know. I have been thinking about taking an adult ballet class at the ballet school my girls are attending right now for a while. I had MANY reservations about the whole thing. One of which, I'll admit, was what to wear. I did have some valid concerns/reservations too, including the condition of my body all these years later, ballet is such a graceful sport but it is so hard on your body. And, of course, my main concern was if this was really the right time in my life, in my kids lives for me to be doing something like this. I had mentioned my desire to do this to Dave a few times, and he always said I should do it, and then we dropped it. But two nights before the class was to start I was talking to him about it and he was insistent, no, expecting me to go. He said he would be disappointed if I didn't at least try it. So I stewed over it for the next few days, going back and forth and decided I should at least try. I still had nothing to wear though. :)
It was a super crazy day with the start of swim lessons for all the girls and the start of summer ballet lessons for the older three, a few hours before my class was to start. Ali and Ana had finished their class and it was Molly's turn. The greatest park is right by the building their classes are in, so I was letting the others play while Molly danced. Ali came over and sat by me and having heard about the possibility of me going to a ballet class and also reading very well into the situation that I wasn't sure about it, she came over and asked me if I really wanted to do the class. I told her that I did and I thought it would be fun, but that I was a little nervous about some things. She asked about what was making me nervous and I will never forget how incredibly sweet this little conversation was with my 10 year old daughter. She had nothing but positive, happy solutions and the sweetest words of encouragement for me, it was truly like a role reversal moment. When I told her I didn't have anything to wear she began to reassure me in a very kind way that I was being silly to worry about it. She explained in an encouraging manner that in her class kids don't wear exactly what they are supposed to wear (there's a dress code of pink tights and black leotard and optional black skirt) and the teacher still lets them stay in class. She told me about this girl who "even wore polka dot shorts and it was just fine". When I told her about how I was worried about how it has been so incredibly long since I've danced. And it was just as if my own angel mother, who thinks I can do anything, was sitting right there. She just commented about how I was such a good dancer and that I would do great and how it would be so fun for me. She said, "I think it would be fun to have all of us girls dancing ballet at the same place." Which she shortly followed with, "Well, except I think daddy might feel left out." I wished I could have recorded the whole conversation. It was just so sweet and priceless. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it as a mother. I'm sure it seems like I'm making such a big deal over such a small thing, but it was just one of those major perspective-changing moments for me, for sure.
So I put on an old leotard that fit just fine in the bodice (that's nice) but in the derriere...well to be nice, let's just say it didn't fit too well. I threw on some exercise shorts and a shade shirt over top. (I didn't quite have the confidence to be rocking just the leotard) I had been looking though my memory box several months ago and happened upon a brand new pair of ballet shoes that I guess I didn't get around to wearing. I sewed the elastics on and my feet must have grown because they are about a half a size too small, but it's all I had so I made it work. I went to the class and oh, how nerve-racking that drive was. Most definitely the hardest part was just getting to the class. I got there and met a nice lady probably 10 years older than me (which I was SHOCKED to find out because she looks so young) that was in the same boat as me, danced when she was younger and just on a whim was going to try this class out. It was nice to feel that camaraderie before I even stepped foot in the class. The class was fine. I am definitely not the dancer I was years ago, but my mind remembered clearly how to do all the steps, it was a bit more challenging to get my body to remember. My biggest struggle was my lack of flexibility. I would still characterize myself as a flexible person, in general, but not having the exact level of flexibility I had years ago was frustrating me severely because I knew I could do the combinations and steps so much better if my body would just let me. But this wasn't too serious a problem that it left me not enjoying the class. I did enjoy it, it was fun to dance again. But I definitely didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to.
Ballet was a HUGE part of my life from the time I was three until I graduated high school, in fact, let me rephrase that...ballet WAS my life. After I graduated from high school I joined that blessed show choir, New Horizons, where I met my sweet husband and in that group I got to dance a lot as well. And then I got married and we got pregnant and dance was no longer a part of my life. I wasn't surprised by this, in fact I was expecting it. I can remember vividly my last performance on tour with our choir knowing I was getting married a few weeks later, it hit me right before the dancer's last number that this would likely be the last time I would perform as a dancer. I got extremely emotional, it was quite sad. But like I said, I knew it was inevitable. I knew the day would come that I would move on and have a family, and that just wouldn't be a feasible part of life any more and I was okay with that. Well, I was a little sad but in an 'I'm going to miss it' kind of way. But I've got to say that when something goes from such a dominating part of life to suddenly completely gone, it's like quitting cold-turkey and I seriously think I had withdrawals. I would often have these crazy dreams of my two worlds colliding, like me being full-on 7 or 8 months pregnant in a tutu performing as the sugar plum fairy. Very strange. But it made me wonder if it's possible to have both. I never did anything about it because for a long while during Dave's school, financially it just wasn't an option and even if it were I had such small children to take care of that I didn't think it was possible.
Then we moved to Logan, Dave started his practice and had a real job and I could sign my kids up for ballet. As I'd drop off or pick up kids from there and watch performances of the school/company, I would see these women who were mom's and still dancing and I guess I saw proof that it was possible. So I think that is what got the sparks flying in my head. So I went to the class and I think I was expecting a full on Hallelujah Chorus the second I started dancing again and I didn't. It was fine, it was fun, but nothing spectacular. (Let me clarify that it had nothing to do with the class, the school or the teacher, that was all superb) I actually signed up for the remaining lessons after having gone as a "free trial" of sorts for the first time, just to see if it was going to be a fit for me, but I felt a little reluctant as I did. Then I got home and the house and kids and Dave were all fine, no problems or super craziness. As the night unfolded it got crazier but that's how it is every night. And I can honestly say I just wasn't feeling it. I felt an overwhelming sense of being happy to be home and feeling like that's where I need to be right now for my kids and Dave. So I sent an email apologizing for registering and backing out, and I feel good...sore, but good.
Now, this is certainly not some self righteous thing where I think that mother's should never go do anything for themselves. I couldn't think more contrary to that train of thought. This just wasn't my "mommy time" thing and I'm okay with that. And I feel like I maybe gained a little closure as well. And I also gained a very sweet moment with my daughter through the whole process. I don't think that I will never dance again, in fact, maybe I will even go back to the same adult ballet class some day or maybe not, but for some reason, it's just not for me right now. So my ballet shoes will go back in the box...and that's okay.
It was a super crazy day with the start of swim lessons for all the girls and the start of summer ballet lessons for the older three, a few hours before my class was to start. Ali and Ana had finished their class and it was Molly's turn. The greatest park is right by the building their classes are in, so I was letting the others play while Molly danced. Ali came over and sat by me and having heard about the possibility of me going to a ballet class and also reading very well into the situation that I wasn't sure about it, she came over and asked me if I really wanted to do the class. I told her that I did and I thought it would be fun, but that I was a little nervous about some things. She asked about what was making me nervous and I will never forget how incredibly sweet this little conversation was with my 10 year old daughter. She had nothing but positive, happy solutions and the sweetest words of encouragement for me, it was truly like a role reversal moment. When I told her I didn't have anything to wear she began to reassure me in a very kind way that I was being silly to worry about it. She explained in an encouraging manner that in her class kids don't wear exactly what they are supposed to wear (there's a dress code of pink tights and black leotard and optional black skirt) and the teacher still lets them stay in class. She told me about this girl who "even wore polka dot shorts and it was just fine". When I told her about how I was worried about how it has been so incredibly long since I've danced. And it was just as if my own angel mother, who thinks I can do anything, was sitting right there. She just commented about how I was such a good dancer and that I would do great and how it would be so fun for me. She said, "I think it would be fun to have all of us girls dancing ballet at the same place." Which she shortly followed with, "Well, except I think daddy might feel left out." I wished I could have recorded the whole conversation. It was just so sweet and priceless. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like it as a mother. I'm sure it seems like I'm making such a big deal over such a small thing, but it was just one of those major perspective-changing moments for me, for sure.
So I put on an old leotard that fit just fine in the bodice (that's nice) but in the derriere...well to be nice, let's just say it didn't fit too well. I threw on some exercise shorts and a shade shirt over top. (I didn't quite have the confidence to be rocking just the leotard) I had been looking though my memory box several months ago and happened upon a brand new pair of ballet shoes that I guess I didn't get around to wearing. I sewed the elastics on and my feet must have grown because they are about a half a size too small, but it's all I had so I made it work. I went to the class and oh, how nerve-racking that drive was. Most definitely the hardest part was just getting to the class. I got there and met a nice lady probably 10 years older than me (which I was SHOCKED to find out because she looks so young) that was in the same boat as me, danced when she was younger and just on a whim was going to try this class out. It was nice to feel that camaraderie before I even stepped foot in the class. The class was fine. I am definitely not the dancer I was years ago, but my mind remembered clearly how to do all the steps, it was a bit more challenging to get my body to remember. My biggest struggle was my lack of flexibility. I would still characterize myself as a flexible person, in general, but not having the exact level of flexibility I had years ago was frustrating me severely because I knew I could do the combinations and steps so much better if my body would just let me. But this wasn't too serious a problem that it left me not enjoying the class. I did enjoy it, it was fun to dance again. But I definitely didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I was going to.
Ballet was a HUGE part of my life from the time I was three until I graduated high school, in fact, let me rephrase that...ballet WAS my life. After I graduated from high school I joined that blessed show choir, New Horizons, where I met my sweet husband and in that group I got to dance a lot as well. And then I got married and we got pregnant and dance was no longer a part of my life. I wasn't surprised by this, in fact I was expecting it. I can remember vividly my last performance on tour with our choir knowing I was getting married a few weeks later, it hit me right before the dancer's last number that this would likely be the last time I would perform as a dancer. I got extremely emotional, it was quite sad. But like I said, I knew it was inevitable. I knew the day would come that I would move on and have a family, and that just wouldn't be a feasible part of life any more and I was okay with that. Well, I was a little sad but in an 'I'm going to miss it' kind of way. But I've got to say that when something goes from such a dominating part of life to suddenly completely gone, it's like quitting cold-turkey and I seriously think I had withdrawals. I would often have these crazy dreams of my two worlds colliding, like me being full-on 7 or 8 months pregnant in a tutu performing as the sugar plum fairy. Very strange. But it made me wonder if it's possible to have both. I never did anything about it because for a long while during Dave's school, financially it just wasn't an option and even if it were I had such small children to take care of that I didn't think it was possible.
Then we moved to Logan, Dave started his practice and had a real job and I could sign my kids up for ballet. As I'd drop off or pick up kids from there and watch performances of the school/company, I would see these women who were mom's and still dancing and I guess I saw proof that it was possible. So I think that is what got the sparks flying in my head. So I went to the class and I think I was expecting a full on Hallelujah Chorus the second I started dancing again and I didn't. It was fine, it was fun, but nothing spectacular. (Let me clarify that it had nothing to do with the class, the school or the teacher, that was all superb) I actually signed up for the remaining lessons after having gone as a "free trial" of sorts for the first time, just to see if it was going to be a fit for me, but I felt a little reluctant as I did. Then I got home and the house and kids and Dave were all fine, no problems or super craziness. As the night unfolded it got crazier but that's how it is every night. And I can honestly say I just wasn't feeling it. I felt an overwhelming sense of being happy to be home and feeling like that's where I need to be right now for my kids and Dave. So I sent an email apologizing for registering and backing out, and I feel good...sore, but good.
Now, this is certainly not some self righteous thing where I think that mother's should never go do anything for themselves. I couldn't think more contrary to that train of thought. This just wasn't my "mommy time" thing and I'm okay with that. And I feel like I maybe gained a little closure as well. And I also gained a very sweet moment with my daughter through the whole process. I don't think that I will never dance again, in fact, maybe I will even go back to the same adult ballet class some day or maybe not, but for some reason, it's just not for me right now. So my ballet shoes will go back in the box...and that's okay.
